Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The Story of We, Part 1

When Hot Hubby and I got married we knew we wanted to wait a year before having kids. He was 25. I was 24. We wanted kids but we felt a year would give us time to adjust to the newness of marriage and yet we wouldn't be risking the "your parents look like they could be your grandparents" issue. This is that story.

After our first anniversary road trip to San Fransisco, (Just a tip: When you suggest that you and your reclusive husband drive to the second most densely populated city in the United States and he says he's gonna hate it...believe him! Then plan a trip with a girlfriend who would love to roam the crowded and confusing streets of San Fransisco on a trolley filled with potential disease infested people instead of hiding out in your tiny hotel room. Someone who would enjoy the thrill of driving over the Golden Gate bridge for the first time and wouldn't be consumed with cursing the traffic. Just a tip.) Where was I? Oh yeah.

So, after our trip I expected that it wouldn't take long before I was seeing double pink lines telling me the great news. And though it only took a few months, those months were so frustrating. I'm impatient. What can I say.

I think that it was the end of May when we found out we were expecting. I was excited but confused. I was spotting and was scared about what that meant. We hesitated to tell people but decided to so that they could be praying for us.

The day before Father's Day I miscarried. If I wasn't so emotional and upset I think I would have responded different to the many insensitive comments and unhelpful people I encountered that day. The on-call doctor I called for advice got frustrated and told me he wasn't and obstetrician so he couldn't help me. The on-call ultrasound technician told me that most times when a woman miscarries it's because there are some major genes missing and "we have too many weirdos walking around anyways."

I think we were in so much emotional shock and were a little surprised at the nonchalant attitude of the ER doctors that we figured they all would see it the same way. A few days later when the shock started to wear off we did complain about the on-call doctor but we didn't have a name for the ultra sound technician.

We were told we should wait for three months before trying to get pregnant again. And so we did. But in the mean-time...

Abiah came to live with us with the intent that we adopt him. Abiah is the biological son of one of my sisters. His story is a long, sensitive one. What I can say is that Nathan and I both new for a long time that we wanted to give him the family he so desperately needed. While the details are hard to understand and explain we knew it was the best thing for him. He moved in with us on July 31st 2006.

We literally became parents overnight. To a three year old. The transition was...interesting. He is a wonderful boy. The challenge is knowing how to tell the difference between disobedience and him responding out of his hurt heart. I think we felt prepared to parent him but unprepared in guiding his broken heart. We want him to grow up with a respect for his biological mom and a complete trust in our love for him.

As we adjusted to parenting a three year old I sought to find a way to deal with my emotions of loosing a baby. Well meaning people wondered why I hadn't gotten "over it" yet. I found myself confused. I was sad. I wanted that baby. I had dreamed of that baby since childhood. How could I just get over loosing it.

Through the tears and confusion in my heart I felt the Lord tell me that I didn't and wouldn't get over it. But I would get through it. It was like water to my dry and cracked soul. I had hope.


Rachael said...

Um, can I say that I love you? Cuz I do!

pistolsnprincesses said...

Awwwww, shanks, Momma Rachael! I love you too! And, I am profusely sorry for spelling your name wrong in the note I sent you about three minutes ago. I should know better!

Anonymous said...

I'm so excited to keep reading!