Monday, July 18, 2011

My Greatest Fear


Fourteen years back, before the term "in-law" was used to define our relationship, we were driving down the familiar road in the little blue "Smurf." As we followed the curves that we'd traveled so many times before I asked him the question, "What is your greatest fear?"

Being a young man of wisdom, he gently answered, "Well, I don't think God wants us to focus on our fears."

Being a young woman who likes to be contrary, I agreed and then argued my point, "While I do believe that focusing on our fears isn't how God wants us to live, I do think it is actually healthy to know what our fears are. How are we supposed to work through our fears if we don't know what they are?"

After understanding where I was coming from he shared his greatest fear. Which I'm not going to tell you about. I will, however, tell you that he has conquered that fear and continues to do so everyday. I am so proud to call him my brother-in-law.

And I will also tell you what I told him my greatest fear was. "I'm afraid I'll never be a wife and a mom, " my single heart confessed. I was afraid of ending up alone.

During the next eight years I watched as he became my brother-in-law and he and my sister had four beautiful children. I watched other friends and relatives get married and start their families.

Finally in 2005 it was my turn. When Hot Hubby and I got married I was relieved. And, although there were times when we were starting a family that I wondered if I would be a mother, that fear was put to rest as well.

So, naturally I expected that I would no longer wonder, "Will I ever be a wife? Will I ever be a mom?" But I've found that I still do. Those questions still haunt me. That familiar fear will keep me awake at night. But it's different. And, in my opinion, it seems healthy. And maybe normal?

You know, I may have gotten married which has given me the title of "wife." And I may have children which gives me the title of "mom." But I wonder, am I really living as a wife and mom or am I just fulfilling my "duties"?

There are days, weeks and even years that I have spent more concerned with the appearance of my dreams than the day to day fulfillment of my dreams. I've spent countless hours striving to have an organized house and perfectly budgeted menu. I've worked hard at being consistent in training my children and being a supportive wife. But I find myself at place where I wonder whether or not I am truly being a wife and mom as opposed to just filling a role.

Instead of waking up and making a list of the tasks I need to accomplish during the day, I want to wake up and think of ways to enjoy and bless my family. Am I ministering to their hearts or am I just meeting their daily needs? Feed, clothe, clean, repeat?

You know, this is what I've always wanted. This is what I love to do. So why do I so often feel like throwing the towel in?

I think, I think I may have a glimpse of the answer. I think...

To be continued...


Hannah said...

Shiree, your transparency and honesty are blessing me so much. I feel like God is using your story to plant seeds in my heart. An excitement to get married and have a family, but in God's timing, when He wants it. And a better understanding of what being married and having kids looks like. It's not ever perfect. But God gives us the strength to see the beautiful in the everyday.
Thank you for being honest!! I love you!

pistolsnprincesses said...

Two negatives won't make a positive. So when you take two imperfect people and put them together in the most intimate experience you will ever have there's bound to get interesting. The only saving grace for any marriage is Jesus and His perfect Love. Not quite the same as the movies but definitely an investment worth making. Love you to Rosie, Rosie!