When I watch him play and listen to him making up stories I wonder if I can be the mom who helps him cultivate his wild imagination and not crush it. I wonder if I can be the kind that can answer his million questions per day about how markers work and how babies are born and how Jesus died for our sins in a way that helps him understand this world better but at a pace that fits his maturity level. When we sit and read together I wonder if I can be the kind that can helps him know that we love him and we want him and he is here to stay and so are we? Will it always be easy to tell him how smart, handsome and sweet he is? Can I raise him to have confidence in who is and the talents he's been given?
When I run my fingers through her perfect ringlets I wonder if I can be the mom she needs to tame her stubbornness and guide her into womanhood gracefully. Can we avoid that awkward phase where it isn't cool to like your mom? Will it always be normal to hold her and let her know how much I adore and love her? Can I be the kind that trains her without crushing that vibrant spirit?
When I look in her big blue eyes and hold her as she caresses my face and smiles up at me I wonder if I can be the kind of mom that will nurture her sensitive spirit and at the same time encourage her to take risks. She is so much like her dad. Can I be the kind of mom that will help and let her learn to make decisions for herself. Can I be the kind that is always open to her need for snuggles.
Will we be friends? Will I teach them the right things about Jesus? Will I know how to talk to them about sex and relationships? Will I be able to home school them and still want to be around them? Will I always feel a twinge of fear of the unknown when I leave them? Will my heart always feel like it's breaking when I think about how much I love them? Will I be able to be the kind of mom they need? The kind of mom I want to be? The kind of mom I was made to be?
I feel it in me. Somewhere. Sometimes I think I catch a glimpse of it. Sometimes I feel like I've tapped into the assurance that everything will be alright. But most of the time I feel like I'm lost. Even when they think I'm standing firm in my decisions, inside I'm doubting every move I make. I desperately want to be that kind of mom. The kind they need.