One Day

One day I will wake to the sound of my kids laughing and playing. Not screaming and crying.

One day I will pull out their clothes for the day and there will not be a fight about which pants, dress, shirt, underwear, or socks are chosen.

One day they will not care which cup, plate, or silverware is placed before them or what food is on their plate.

One day they will sit through a breakfast with smiles and thanks even though we are eating oatmeal for the second time in one week.

One day I will not have to repeat myself every five seconds with commands to "stop fighting," "sit down and do your school work," and "stop screaming."

One day they will thank me.

Today is NOT that day.

The Story of We, Part 5

If you need to catch up, here's: Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four

Part Four ended with a six month old Hazel, an almost five year old Abiah, and a newly pregnant me.

This may sound silly, but I was surprised. Somehow I had convinced myself that I would have another six months, at least, until I was pregnant again. By the time this baby was born Hazel would be 15 months and Abiah would be 5 and 1/2 years old. That's a big gap between Abiah and Hazel and a really small gap between Hazel and our third child.

My over worked mind was going a million miles a minute trying to keep up with the flood of emotions, hormones, doubts, questions, and fears. Thankfully my progesterone levels were fine. I didn't worry so much about the baby surviving as much as I worried about my abilities to manage a newborn, a 15 month old, and a 5 year old.

It took me a while to be excited about being pregnant. To be quite honest, it wasn't until I watched a movie I would never recommend, Knocked Up, that I got excited about having another baby. I'm rather ashamed to admit it, too. I'm not sure what is was exactly, but some how it was what I needed.

This pregnancy went smoothly also. There was one big difference. I didn't feel like I knew this baby like I knew Hazel. Not in the beginning. I was waiting for the 20 week ultrasound when we would find out whether we were having a girl or a boy. I thought that once I knew the sex I would start to know the baby.

Well, this baby didn't want to be known. At least, we weren't going to find out if we were having a boy or a girl!

Once again I was disappointed. I needed to know this baby. After feeling such a strong connection with Hazel it felt like I was short-changing this baby.

Gradually feelings of understanding grew stronger. Especially when I went 10 days over my due date. Hazel was two weeks early, which is exactly her personality. She jumps the gun. I have NO idea where she gets it from. (Insert nervous laughter hear.)

This baby was on it's own time table (cough, just like her dad, cough). While I don't think those legs stopped moving from about 9:30 at night until midnight, this one was a slow mover. I knew that if I was induced, the baby would just fight back. I could feel that. And it made me happy. Happy enough to wait.

On Saturday, January 24th, 2009, we went out to breakfast at a local cafe with my parents. On one of my many trips to the bathroom I thought something was different. It's hard to explain without giving the "ladies only" details, but something was different. At 10 pm I started having regular contractions. At 2 when Nathan came up to bed I told him to go call my mom 'cause we were going in!

Some friends came to stayed with Abiah and Hazel. Nathan packed the car up. I made phone calls to the many people on our list. We left the house to make the 30 minute drive to the hospital. On the way we were stopped at two car wrecks, re-routed once, and it started snowing.

When I got to the hospital I couldn't go for longer than a minute or so without having a contraction. It took me a couple of minutes to get from the front door to the nurses station. I knew when I got there that I was close to or in transition. We started with a new midwife but by the time the baby was born we had the same midwife who delivered Hazel. It was a treat. I really like her and felt like she knew me enough to know what I needed. I trusted her. Not so much with the nurse, though.

I found out the hard way that some nurses aren't used to non-medicated births. She was insensitive and pushy. She was constantly taking my blood pressure and asking stupid questions during contractions and it got on my nerves quickly. I felt like she thought I was over reacting about the pain and didn't really know how far along I was. At one point when she left the room I looked up at my family and friends and said, "I just want to slap her!" They all laughed and later let me know they all felt the same way, too. I was more than thankful when her shift ended.

So much happened from when we arrived between 3/3:30 and 9:30 when our 9lb 7oz baby girl was born. She was sooooo big! And very smooshed. Unlike Hazel's bullet entry (she came out all in one push), Amelia took quite a while to come out.

Once again I was mesmerized by this little life I held in my arms. She was such a chunk you just wanted to nibble on her cheeks. She had saggy jowls.

We named her Amelia, which means Beloved, after a family friend who patiently watched me and my siblings when I was younger. And we gave her the middle name, Ruth, which means Friendship, after one of my mom's faithful friends. I knew that if we had two girls I wanted them to be close friends.

What I didn't realize is that I would also have a Beloved Friendship with Amelia. And I do. I took some months for me to finally feel like I knew her the way I always imagined I would. But now she is so dear to me that I just might keep her forever.

As in, she will never be able to leave home. At least not without me.

I don't love Amelia more or less than Abiah and Hazel. She just needs me differently. And I need her too. I need her to wrap her chubby arms around my legs while I'm cooking. I need her to sit in my lap bringing book after book for me to read. I need her sweet songs and laughing blue eyes. I need her in the way I always wanted to.

After she was born I wasn't sure I would want more kids. I needed us to wait until I knew...

I'm Alive. Really.

I just wanted to get on here and say that I've not forgotten about this little hide-away of mine. Between mornings spent home schooling and afternoons and evenings spent trying not to be sick, I've had little left to spare. I have half written posts saved and many ideas in my mind right now. Lots to share.

Here's an idea of what to look forward to in the next few weeks as I reach the end of my first trimester and have more energy for lovely things such as bogging:

Home schooling update: What we've changed in the first 5 weeks of this year

Motivation Mondays

Pregnancy update along with the first pics of our little inch baby

At least two more installments of The Story of We

A much over due recipe for BBQ Pizza (over due because I took the pictures in June or July and still haven't posted about it)

What I Learned During Hunting 2010 Edition with pictures of this year's monster elk

I look forward to being back. I look forward to the day when the thought of coffee will not cause my stomach to turn. I look forward to no longer feeling the need to bow the porcelain throne.

Sorry. Is that too much info?

The Story of We, Part 4

To catch up check out part one, two, and three.

Before I had kids I wanted to have home births. Then we found out that our insurance covers so much of our hospital bill that it seems unwise and REALLY expensive to stay at home. (I would still love to do that at least once though.) So, when Nathan and I were preparing for Hazel, I let him know I probably wouldn't want to be at the hospital very long after she was born.

Boy, was I wrong!

You just have no idea what having a baby does to you before you've had one. To put it lightly, I was in pain. Plus they have that nifty little nurse button that I just can't seem to get Nathan to install in our house.

We also had this new little person that I suddenly felt nervous about caring for. She was so vulnerable and tiny. So completely dependent on me. When I was at the hospital I just pushed a button and they answered my questions. I knew if I called my pediatrician that much he'd fire me!

Like I said in Part 3, after she was born I felt like I had arrived. And then I went home. We were probably home less than 2 hours when I left Hazel with Nathan and my parents (who were now home from Florida) and went to my room to nap and immediately burst into tears crying. Hazel woke up shortly after that and when Nathan brought her to me he found me curled up with a tear stained face.

How was I to nurture this helpless baby and the growing boy we were adopting? They both needed me so much, and in completely different ways. What if I failed them? What if I didn't measure up? Could I really do this?

I'm sure most mom's have feelings similar to these. I've been told they do.

There was no other option but to do what needed to be done. There was a joy missing in my heart, though. I didn't realize for a long time that I was struggling with depression. I know some of it was postpartum, but I've realized just in the last year that most of it was emotions coming out that I had never dealt with. Disappointments I had never faced. Failures I'd never worked through. Having these little lives, these blank slates, brought out the imperfections in me more than anything else has.

I struggled with knowing whether or not being a full-time mom was really what I wanted. I mourned opportunities I'd missed out on when I was single and before we had kids. I had always made pretty good decisions, but they were safe decisions. Not adventurous or risky. I would replay decisions made and conversations had that I wished I could change. My life seemed dull and monotonous.

This struggle was very internal for me. I didn't have the words to explain. I didn't even understand enough so that I could try to explain.

When Hazel was about five months and Abiah was almost 5, Nathan and I started talking about when we would want more kids. We wanted our kids to be close in age, but had always talked about waiting for at least one year before trying again. I told Nathan that I didn't think I would mind if I got pregnant soon or if we waited until she was older than one. I was nursing and had just had a baby so our chances of getting pregnant were slimmer. We thought. So we decided to just let it happen. If it did or if it didn't, we would be happy.

The next month there were two pink lines on the little stick.

Wishing for a Wordless Wednesday

I know my kids are cute. And completely picture worthy.

But this week the things they've said have trumped all the cute, funny, odd pictures I could post of them.
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Hazel was being bossy and I let her know that I am the mom, not her. After a back-and-forth argument about who the mom really is she told me, "I'm sure I'm am the mom!"

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While I was putting Amelia in the car and trying to buckle her seat belt she started squirming and grabbing at the buckle yelling, "I do! I do!"

Not only was it her first two-word phrase, it was also her first official (meaning I could understand her sass) step towards 2.

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The other night we took the kids out to dinner (yay! for kids eat free coupons) to a restaurant nicer than we usually take them to. They did a great job. Especially Hazel who, right now, is the one we are having the most struggle with (go figure!). When she exclaimed that she had to go potty I got up to take her. I think she thought I would just pick her up out of her chair so she put her hand, palm up, in the air and said, "Wait! Dus wait!"

Shocked, I stood wide-eyed, and waited to see what she needed. She wanted to get down herself. She's a big girl. I wonder where Amelia get's it...

Later in the evening, when we were almost ready to leave Hazel announced, "Miwee said dammit!" Which Amelia didn't. They were at opposite ends of the table and couldn't hear each other, much less see each other over the glasses and table full of plates and napkins. Suddenly it was time to go!

On the way home Hazel let me know that she was going to color when we get home. "It's your only choice, mom."

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During school, when I ask Abiah to read something out loud, he yells. I was confused at first and thought he was just being goofy. Nope. He thought that's what I meant by out loud.

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One morning when changing Amelia's diaper I exclaimed loudly, "Whew! Mills!"

Hazel walked up and asked, "What, mom? Did she cwap?"

Then later in the afternoon, when there was some suspicious goo in Amelia's bed, Hazel asked, again, "Did she cwap, Mom?"

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Hazel was bossing Amelia around and not getting the response she wanted. She came and told me, "Mom, Millie has an agitude!"

The Story of We, Part 3

If you need to, you can catch up by reading the first and second parts.

After my second miscarriage some friends suggested that I might have my hormone levels checked. A close friend had gone through something similar to me, but had a successful pregnancy right after her miscarriage because she didn't wait for her hormone levels to drop back down.

A little hormone schooling for ya: the hormone progesterone is needed in the first trimester to keep the pregnancy. When progesterone levels start to drop off it's a sign to your body that it's time for a period. When pregnant, after the first trimester the placenta takes over the progesterone production. For more details you can read this article.

Anyways, back to the story.

We decided after the second miscarriage that we weren't going to wait the recommended three months before trying to get pregnant again. I was suspicious of my progesterone levels being low due to signs like hair loss and cystic acne. Sure enough, after one month we saw two pink lines on the stick.

I just have to say, after taking so many pregnancy test, there is no better place to purchase them than at the dollar store. I don't think all dollar stores carry them but it's worth checking out. Spending $1 per stick vs. $5-9 per stick is a big difference. Check it out if you're in the market.

Anyways, once again, back to the story!

This time I had NO spotting. I made an appointment with a naturopath and by eight weeks found that my progesterone levels were indeed low. I was put on a progesterone pill for the first trimester and had zero complications with my pregnancy.

From the beginning I knew my baby. Whether boy or girl, I knew exactly who was in me. When we found out we were having a girl I felt that "knowing" deepen. I wanted to name her Hazel, which means "commanding authority."

I think Nathan was scared because it is such a strong meaning. But I felt that's exactly what she was. A strong girl. My mom said, "Hazel is an old lady's name." I was like, "Mom, you named me Helen after an 80 year old lady you knew!" She changed her mind.

When we asked Abiah what we should name her he suggested Cowboy Chinnah. I, of course, starting calling her that in hopes that Nathan would settle on a name. Which he did. And I won. But there was something missing. We couldn't find a middle name that suited her.

When I was 38 weeks along my mom and dad left for a week trip to Florida with the belief that since this was my first delivery I would be late. On Wednesday night of that week I didn't feel good so I laid in bed listening to worship music trying to relax and fall asleep. That's when her whole name came to me.

I was listening to Chris Tomlin's version of Amazing Grace over and over. While letting my heart relax in the freedom of the words, I saw it. Or knew it. Or...something. Anyways, a commanding authority isn't a bad thing. As long as there is grace! And, as the Queen I wanted to raise this princess to be someone who commands authority with grace.

At 6:30 the next morning I was wakened by the sensation of my water breaking.

Nathan was a wreck. He wasn't ready. The car seat wasn't in the car yet. Our bags were packed but the house was a mess. I had planned to get up and clean it. Oh well! Babies come when they will. And this one came two weeks early! Thankfully I had registered with the hospital the day before. Before I could call there I had to get a hold of my mom.

Since she was in a conference I knew it would be difficult. After trying her cell and my dad's cell I crossed social boundaries I was uncomfortable with and called a friend, Pam, who was with them. Interrupting my mom is one thing. Interrupting friends seems so much different.

Pam was gracious, of course, and I heard the disappointment in my mom's voice when she found out who it was before she was even to the phone. She guessed why I was calling. She had never missed a grandbaby's birth. This time it was inevitable.

Since she was going to co-support with Nathan and wasn't able to now, I called my older sister, Summer, and she stepped into the position naturally. After taking Abiah for us and leaving him and her four kids with a sitter, she met us at the hospital. Being a pro birther herself (see the reference to her four kids, which she had all without drugs) she was a great second option.

Actually, after watching her have her first daughter I told her she could just carry and deliver all my babies for me. She was good with that, too. Her husband? Not so much.

My labor was pretty normal. Hazel was posterior. And that HURT!

Nathan was amazing. My midwife and nurse were amazing. Summer was too. Even though she made fun of me and laughed at me a few times. She was the perfect person for me to have there. She is my birthing hero and offered me the perfect amount of support.

Nathan was amazed when, after him, the midwife, and the nurse suggesting or asking me to do something, Summer would tell me to do it and I would without hesitation. I don't know what it was except maybe I trusted her because I had seen her do this four times already. Plus she's my older sister and I'm used to her bossing me around!

As hard as it was to not have my mom with me I think it was good for me. I found that I had it in me to go through that without her. My mom and I have a good relationship and it is easy for me to depend on her more than I need too. I think I would have felt more like hiding behind her skirt than pushing myself to be strong and work through the most intense pain in my life.

Around 11:20 that cold October (2007) night, Hazel was born. She was the most perfect 7lb 9oz baby I've ever seen. She had a perfectly round head and gorgeous skin. I held her for over an hour before handing her over to be cleaned and checked. She was so small. My perfect baby. My dream. One answer to many tearful prayers.

I felt like I had arrived. I was suddenly the woman I had known was in there somewhere. And then I went home...

Motivation Monday: Worship Music Selection

Worship music makes my heart soar. For me worship is a way to say what my heart feels when my mouth has no words. Make sense?

That's okay. I get that response often.

Honestly, Kat's recommendation for a personal time of worship in the mornings is what sold me on being a part of this. I need worship. I thrive on it.

It was hard for me to narrow my list down to three songs. I tried five the first week and while I loved it, I found that I would need to wake up earlier if I wanted to get everything else into my morning schedule. I thought I would share all five with you though.

Alabaster Box by Julie Meyer

Desert Song by Hillsong Live

The More I Seek You by Christ for the Nations (Kari Jobe)

In Christ Alone by Travis Cottrell

Yearn by Shane & Shane

What worship songs minister to your heart?

To see more Motivation Monday posts go here.