Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
When Failing is Passing
Usually I get a little disappointed when the schedule I've worked at perfecting gets messed up. There's nothing like thinking you have total control only to be slammed in the face with the reality that you really aren't. But sometimes it's nice to be out of control.
Like when you have been told you need surgery to remove a cyst and possibly an ovary so you plan and prepare both heart and home only to then find out you don't need surgery.
Or when they say, "But we want to do a blood test to see if there is any other cause for malformation" and you ask for specifics and they cautiously use the "C" word so you, being equally cautious, tell your loved ones. But then you receive a phone call letting you know you've failed. You've failed the test which means you really passed.
And you breathe a sigh of relief. Thankful also that this time you also passed the test of fear because you didn't let your mind go there. There being the land of "What will my family do without me?"
This is one time that I am thankful to pull out the eraser and rub the plans away from the pages. This is the first week in a month that there are no doctor appointments for our family. So, I plan to stay home as much as possible and get into the fall routine I was looking forward to starting in September.
What are your plans for the week?
Like when you have been told you need surgery to remove a cyst and possibly an ovary so you plan and prepare both heart and home only to then find out you don't need surgery.
Or when they say, "But we want to do a blood test to see if there is any other cause for malformation" and you ask for specifics and they cautiously use the "C" word so you, being equally cautious, tell your loved ones. But then you receive a phone call letting you know you've failed. You've failed the test which means you really passed.
And you breathe a sigh of relief. Thankful also that this time you also passed the test of fear because you didn't let your mind go there. There being the land of "What will my family do without me?"
This is one time that I am thankful to pull out the eraser and rub the plans away from the pages. This is the first week in a month that there are no doctor appointments for our family. So, I plan to stay home as much as possible and get into the fall routine I was looking forward to starting in September.
What are your plans for the week?
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Finding the START
I could make a laundry list of the things that are going wrong around here. It's one of those seasons of life where it feels like there is more wrong than there is right. Sometimes it seems that if I just get it all down on paper I can sort it out, prioritize, and conquer. Because I can do that right? I can fix it all? Kiss the boo-boo. Make it better?
If I could get it all on paper I'm sure I could figure out where to start. It's like a maze with a hidden entrance. Oh, and your status as Super Mom is on the line. So hurry up and find that entrance so you can race through the maze straightening and mending as you go. The storybook picture is messy and it's your job to make it presentable.
Last night Hot Hubby came home and I fell into his arms exclaiming, "I'm feel so derailed! Where do I even start? What do I do?"
Wrapping me securely in his muscular embrace (hubba, hubba) He whispered, "Just hold on to me."
There really is nothing like the partnership of marriage. Having a hot stud for a partner helps, too. Let me tell ya. Or not...
I'm pondering while he's fixing. Why do I always try to fix things on my own when it's so enjoyable to watch him work? Why do I always try to fix it all on my own when the thing I want most is to be partnered with him in everything? This is what I want. Life with him. All to often I try to take on our life's "crazy" all on my own. But the reality is that we signed up to do this thing together. Clogged washing machine drain pipes and all. It's the dream we had. All of life. Always together.
But sometimes I just feel so useless. What's my role in all of this? How do I help? While a stay-at-home-mom should make $115,432 annually, they don't. Not this one, anyways.
I go to the kitchen to start cleaning up from dinner. Behind the noise of running water and running children I hear the song change on the ipod. When I first heard this song months ago I declared a family rule: anytime this song comes on the music gets turned up and everyone has to dance. I hesitate because the dishes need to be done.
Thankfully I ignored the dishes. I come into the living room in time to see Hazel reaching to turn the music up. She knows the rule. And maybe she knows how much we need this. I turn the music up. Loud. And I start to dance.
Hot Hubby looks at me like I'm crazy. But I remind him that it's what he loves about me. The girls are instantly giggling. Even Jackson laughs. Soon we are all dancing. Smiles spread across faces that were just wearing the stress of the day.
I needed that moment. So did they. Because, as the saying goes, if momma aint happy...
So maybe that's my role. To encourage the happy. To find the joy in the everyday and to help them see it too.
"But I have trusted in Your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation." Psalm 13:5
So that's where I'll start.
If I could get it all on paper I'm sure I could figure out where to start. It's like a maze with a hidden entrance. Oh, and your status as Super Mom is on the line. So hurry up and find that entrance so you can race through the maze straightening and mending as you go. The storybook picture is messy and it's your job to make it presentable.
Last night Hot Hubby came home and I fell into his arms exclaiming, "I'm feel so derailed! Where do I even start? What do I do?"
Wrapping me securely in his muscular embrace (hubba, hubba) He whispered, "Just hold on to me."
There really is nothing like the partnership of marriage. Having a hot stud for a partner helps, too. Let me tell ya. Or not...
I'm pondering while he's fixing. Why do I always try to fix things on my own when it's so enjoyable to watch him work? Why do I always try to fix it all on my own when the thing I want most is to be partnered with him in everything? This is what I want. Life with him. All to often I try to take on our life's "crazy" all on my own. But the reality is that we signed up to do this thing together. Clogged washing machine drain pipes and all. It's the dream we had. All of life. Always together.
But sometimes I just feel so useless. What's my role in all of this? How do I help? While a stay-at-home-mom should make $115,432 annually, they don't. Not this one, anyways.
I go to the kitchen to start cleaning up from dinner. Behind the noise of running water and running children I hear the song change on the ipod. When I first heard this song months ago I declared a family rule: anytime this song comes on the music gets turned up and everyone has to dance. I hesitate because the dishes need to be done.
Thankfully I ignored the dishes. I come into the living room in time to see Hazel reaching to turn the music up. She knows the rule. And maybe she knows how much we need this. I turn the music up. Loud. And I start to dance.
Hot Hubby looks at me like I'm crazy. But I remind him that it's what he loves about me. The girls are instantly giggling. Even Jackson laughs. Soon we are all dancing. Smiles spread across faces that were just wearing the stress of the day.
I needed that moment. So did they. Because, as the saying goes, if momma aint happy...
So maybe that's my role. To encourage the happy. To find the joy in the everyday and to help them see it too.
"But I have trusted in Your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation." Psalm 13:5
So that's where I'll start.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Interviews with Amelia: Heaven and The Zoo
At some point every day Amelia and I will end up having a conversation that I wish I could have recorded. She is so expressive and hilarious that I just want everyone else to get in on the adorable-ness that is Amelia. She's pretty addicting.
In the first video we had already been talking about heaven. She brought it up for some reason that I can't remember. The conversation then changed to our plans for the day.
In our second conversation Amelia gives her opinion on the zoo. We are also privileged to have the opinion of Hazel, a few shots of Great Grandma, and Jackson serenading in the background.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wordless Wednesday: A Lesson: Getting Daddy to Wrestle
P.S. That is not a bruise on Abiah's forehead. It's his mushroom tattoo. Another attempt at getting Daddy to wrestle.
Monday, September 26, 2011
How else will she know?
I stand at the counter making lunch. She's right here by my side. Every time I move to get something out of cupboard or fridge I practically stumble over her. Eyes wide, she watches my every move. Every twist on a lid. Every stroke of the spreading knife. Then the question comes. "Mom, can you teach me how to spread the jelly with the butter knife?"
These days it's pretty much a guarantee. If I'm working in the kitchen she's there at my elbow. Watching closely. Asking questions. Requesting a taste of every ingredient. Eager to help. Hungry to learn.
It's not just in the kitchen either. Folding laundry. Changing diapers. Doing my make-up. Writing grocery lists. Whatever I'm doing she's close behind watching and learning.
But I'm not the only one she follows around. There's this boy who wears a purple shirt. He's a relative. That means nothing to her almost-four-year-old self. What she knows is that she likes him. I don't know if she has a real reason for her little girl crush. When I ask she says,'He's a boy!" But there are many other boys that she doesn't give two seconds of attention to.
Purple Shirt Boy gets a lot of her attention. When he's around she follows him quietly playing in his shadow. Trying to be a apart of whatever he may be doing at the time. When he's not around she talks about him. Dreams about him. Plans her wardrobe around him.
"Mom, he and I have purple shirts. I have a purple shirt and he has a purple shirt. We both have purple shirts, Mom. We match."
"Mom, he and I both pick our boogers. I pick my boogers and he picks his boogers. We both do, Mom."
"Mom, I got stung by a bee and he got stung by a bee. He did and I did, Mom. We're the same."
"Mom, when I see him I'm going to wear my purple shirt so that we can match."
"Mom, I want to wear a dress. He likes it when I wear a dress so I want to wear a dress because I look pretty when I wear a dress."
She's four. I know it's an innocent little crush. But it still scares me. Because the apple?... And the tree?... and the falling?...I remember when my cousin came to live with us. We were both five. And he was CUTE! I chased him around the yard and tried to kiss him. I know that particular crush didn't last long. But there were others. Many others.
And the things she says at almost four, I was still saying in my twenties.
"If I do my hair this way..."
"If I wear these clothes..."
And with Hot Hubby all of that was blown out of the water. I didn't need to be anything other than me. That's how I knew he was the one.
But how do I teach her that now? At four? That she doesn't need to be whatever-she-thinks whoever-he-is would like her to be? All she has to be is her amazing little self.
I worry I don't have the words. I think long. Pray hard. And then I remember.
"Mom, will you teach me how to spread the jelly with the butter knife?"
My job? It's to show her.
These days it's pretty much a guarantee. If I'm working in the kitchen she's there at my elbow. Watching closely. Asking questions. Requesting a taste of every ingredient. Eager to help. Hungry to learn.
It's not just in the kitchen either. Folding laundry. Changing diapers. Doing my make-up. Writing grocery lists. Whatever I'm doing she's close behind watching and learning.
But I'm not the only one she follows around. There's this boy who wears a purple shirt. He's a relative. That means nothing to her almost-four-year-old self. What she knows is that she likes him. I don't know if she has a real reason for her little girl crush. When I ask she says,'He's a boy!" But there are many other boys that she doesn't give two seconds of attention to.
Purple Shirt Boy gets a lot of her attention. When he's around she follows him quietly playing in his shadow. Trying to be a apart of whatever he may be doing at the time. When he's not around she talks about him. Dreams about him. Plans her wardrobe around him.
"Mom, he and I have purple shirts. I have a purple shirt and he has a purple shirt. We both have purple shirts, Mom. We match."
"Mom, he and I both pick our boogers. I pick my boogers and he picks his boogers. We both do, Mom."
"Mom, I got stung by a bee and he got stung by a bee. He did and I did, Mom. We're the same."
"Mom, when I see him I'm going to wear my purple shirt so that we can match."
"Mom, I want to wear a dress. He likes it when I wear a dress so I want to wear a dress because I look pretty when I wear a dress."
She's four. I know it's an innocent little crush. But it still scares me. Because the apple?... And the tree?... and the falling?...I remember when my cousin came to live with us. We were both five. And he was CUTE! I chased him around the yard and tried to kiss him. I know that particular crush didn't last long. But there were others. Many others.
And the things she says at almost four, I was still saying in my twenties.
"If I do my hair this way..."
"If I wear these clothes..."
And with Hot Hubby all of that was blown out of the water. I didn't need to be anything other than me. That's how I knew he was the one.
But how do I teach her that now? At four? That she doesn't need to be whatever-she-thinks whoever-he-is would like her to be? All she has to be is her amazing little self.
I worry I don't have the words. I think long. Pray hard. And then I remember.
"Mom, will you teach me how to spread the jelly with the butter knife?"
My job? It's to show her.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Walking Together
"It seems that it is by the means of seemingly perfunctory daily rituals
and routines that we enhance the personal relationships that nourish
and sustain us." ~ Kathleen Norris
I believe the statement above to be true. So I am sharing some of our "daily living" with you all and inviting you to walk along side us.
My calendar for the past month looks like a crazy mess. Pencil scrawling in every square allotted to the specific dates. Bar-b-ques. Birthday parties. Doctor appointments. Car repair appointments. Tea and coffee with friends. Support group meetings. Emergencies. Babies. Family. Friends. Life.
As I turn the page to the glorious fall month that is quickly approaching us I see the pencil lead has already found it's way over there. Filling up white space. Leaving plans of family, friends, and life in it's wake.
My heart. It feels weak. My body too. I feel unqualified. To inexperienced to manage this family of six. School started two weeks ago. We've successfully accomplished maybe a weeks worth. The laundry is piling up. I don't have time for the meals I planned and shopped for. With a calendar filling up with life's necessities how do I make it all work?
"Trust Me and refuse to worry, for I am your Strength and Song." I read from Jesus Calling this morning. "You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks-or even tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I am your Strength, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes. Because I am your Song, I can give you joy as you work alongside Me."
I take those words tucking them into the deep pockets of my heart. Within a few hours my hands are reaching down deep pulling them back out. My eyes are reading. My heart is eating. My whole body is relaxing. Just today. That's what I need to do.
Amelia goes in to the eye doctor next Friday. Her right eye has started to pull to the left. I'm grateful we are catching it early. My mind imagines doctor appointment after doctor appointment. Not today's task. Leave it to the future.
The day before her appointment our car goes back to the mechanic for more work. It's the brakes this time. Last week it was the water pump. Not today's task. Leave it to the future.
Friday morning before Amelia's appointment i go in for an ultra sound. They found a cyst on my right ovary when I went to the ER last week with pain in my lower right abdomen. There are plans for surgery to remove the cyst. Possibly the ovary too. Not today's task. Leave it to the future.
The devotion continues, "Keep bringing your mind back to the present moment. Among all My creatures, only humans can anticipate future events. This ability is a blessing, but it becomes a curse whenever it is misused. If you use your magnificent mind to worry about tomorrow, you cloak yourself in dark unbelief. However, when the hope of heaven fills your thoughts, the Light of My Presence envelopes you. Though heaven is future, it is also present tense. As you walk in the Light with Me, you have one foot on earth and one foot in heaven."
Jesus, thank you for the gift of anticipation. May I reciprocate grace for grace and use that blessing in the way it was intended. Being here. Today.
I believe the statement above to be true. So I am sharing some of our "daily living" with you all and inviting you to walk along side us.
My calendar for the past month looks like a crazy mess. Pencil scrawling in every square allotted to the specific dates. Bar-b-ques. Birthday parties. Doctor appointments. Car repair appointments. Tea and coffee with friends. Support group meetings. Emergencies. Babies. Family. Friends. Life.
As I turn the page to the glorious fall month that is quickly approaching us I see the pencil lead has already found it's way over there. Filling up white space. Leaving plans of family, friends, and life in it's wake.
My heart. It feels weak. My body too. I feel unqualified. To inexperienced to manage this family of six. School started two weeks ago. We've successfully accomplished maybe a weeks worth. The laundry is piling up. I don't have time for the meals I planned and shopped for. With a calendar filling up with life's necessities how do I make it all work?
"Trust Me and refuse to worry, for I am your Strength and Song." I read from Jesus Calling this morning. "You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks-or even tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I am your Strength, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes. Because I am your Song, I can give you joy as you work alongside Me."
I take those words tucking them into the deep pockets of my heart. Within a few hours my hands are reaching down deep pulling them back out. My eyes are reading. My heart is eating. My whole body is relaxing. Just today. That's what I need to do.
Amelia goes in to the eye doctor next Friday. Her right eye has started to pull to the left. I'm grateful we are catching it early. My mind imagines doctor appointment after doctor appointment. Not today's task. Leave it to the future.
The day before her appointment our car goes back to the mechanic for more work. It's the brakes this time. Last week it was the water pump. Not today's task. Leave it to the future.
Friday morning before Amelia's appointment i go in for an ultra sound. They found a cyst on my right ovary when I went to the ER last week with pain in my lower right abdomen. There are plans for surgery to remove the cyst. Possibly the ovary too. Not today's task. Leave it to the future.
The devotion continues, "Keep bringing your mind back to the present moment. Among all My creatures, only humans can anticipate future events. This ability is a blessing, but it becomes a curse whenever it is misused. If you use your magnificent mind to worry about tomorrow, you cloak yourself in dark unbelief. However, when the hope of heaven fills your thoughts, the Light of My Presence envelopes you. Though heaven is future, it is also present tense. As you walk in the Light with Me, you have one foot on earth and one foot in heaven."
Jesus, thank you for the gift of anticipation. May I reciprocate grace for grace and use that blessing in the way it was intended. Being here. Today.
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