A Monday List

1. All last week I had the hardest time waking up early. Except on Friday. Friday I had plans with my MIL to go to a sale at the consignment shop my mom and her friend own. It was a first come first served type of event so we needed to be there at opening or close to it to really get the good stuff. Which meant I had to get myself and four children, two of whom needed bathing, out the door by 8:30 so we could meet HH at his mom's house so he could watch the kids while the MIL and I went shopping.

2. It was a bag sale where you choose from certain racks and it's $10 for anything you can fit in one of their shopping bags. I got six pieces in my bag.

I scored this top. I took this picture yesterday before we went to church. P.S. I am not a fashion blogger and I have no idea how to take photos of myself in the mirror. It's hard work, Yo!

I also got these four tops and a long sweater for my SIL. It was a successful trip and I can't wait for the next bag sale. It was a two day sale and, let me tell you, it was so hard not to go back the second day to have a peek and the next batch of goodies. Abiah saw these laying on the floor and was all, "Ummm, why are there sweaters on the floor." Because your Mom is trying to be cool kid. That's why. Now go to bed.

3. I also purchased one item that wasn't part of the bag sale. It was on one of the window mannequins and I loved it before I even entered the store. The lovely shop girl (aka Mom) took it down for me and after trying it on I knew it was for me. I didn't know what HH would have to say about it, but I knew he wouldn't mind. When I asked him for probably the 50th time that night if he was okay with me buying it he said, "It's paid for itself" and then he gave me a "look". I think he likes it. :) Or he likes that I like it. Whatevs. He's hot and I got a new sweater/cardi thing.

New cardi/sweater thing! I wish I could honestly say that wearing this with my yoga pants was just for the picture, but I'd be lying. It's so comfy! I will say that I won't be wearing it with a cream colored tank in real life. I have a little bit of fashion sense.

4. HH and I went on a date! We visted a pub in Portland and then ended up at one my my favorite dessert places for sweets and coffee. Friday was a pretty great day.

5. After a late Friday we were violently woken up Saturday morning by Amelia stomping into our room declaring that Jackson was trying to climb out of his crib. Jackson was close on her heels exclaiming, "I  want tell you somsing, Momma! I want tell you somsing!" I groggily turned to HH and said, "We've entered a new level of H-E-Double Hockey stick." Hazel followed them into our room explaining that someone (cough, HH, cough) had left the railing down on the crib during a midnight "Take Jackson pee" run. HH and I let out a huge sigh of relief. This morning Jackson came down the stairs all by himself. The crib rail was up. He is no longer contained by his crib and there is only one booster seat he can't get out of. Conclusion: That kid is going to have to learn to sleep sitting up. That's the only way we'll get any rest, I'm thinking.

6. There's nothing worse than waiting all weekend to check the mail because you should be receiving a package in the mail, except checking the mail on Saturday and finding the yellow slip in your box that let's you know your package is indeed in the building. You just can't have it. And the only thing that's worse than that is running in Monday morning to get said package that you know is there only to realize that it's a Federal holiday and you still have to wait one more day. Hope deferred, ya'll. That's what it's all about.

I hope your weekend was fantastic and that you are ready for a new week of new mercies. Happy Monday!

Favorite Things Friday

Here are a few things that have made me smile this week. Enjoy and join in with a comment on some of your favorite things from this last week.

Krooked Kastle Krooked Kakes! You know you live in a Krooked house when all your cakes resemble the Leaning Tower of Pisa. This was the cake I made for our belated Christmas celebration with HH's family. It was a delightful weekend and a delicious cake!

One of my all time favorite people had a birthday this week. In all my 33 years of life I've never admired anyone more. We are more than sisters. We are Pin Dins.

One of my favorite meals I made this week and I couldn't even eat it on account of all the eggs in it. Frittatas have become a family favorite. Before I new I had an allergy to eggs I joined in the good eats. I still love making them for my family though. It's a perfect way to use up left over pasta or rice dishes. The funny thing about this particular frittata is that Jackson refused to eat the pasta for dinner the night before, but then he ate one and a half pieces of frittata and wanted more! Silly kid.

My parents and their housemates, who conveniently live five minutes away from me, were given an espresso/coffee maker that makes single cup servings and it is the most amazing machine ever! The other day, after dealing with a certain child's school related melt down, I called my mom at work and asked/begged for some left-over Christmas candy. "Yes! Of course! It's in the garage. And make yourself a cup of coffee while you're there." She speaks the best words.

While doing school with Abiah I hear Jackson say, "I sink I need help, Momma." Oh dear. He got stuck climbing up to get his sister's flashlight from off the top of the microwave. These kinds of things happen everyday.

My MIL saw these and thought of me. And then she thought of all the chipped bowls in my cupboard and decided I needed these. I love them! And the kids do too. Color makes everything better. And I got rid of five chips bowls and replaced them with eight shiny new ones!

And the grand finale is a video I took of Jackson guiding the Kitchen Aid as it mixed up our mashed potatoes. He is so helpful in the kitchen. And he's addicting. I love how hard he concentrates on getting his arm to move the right direction.

What are some of your favorites from this week?

'Til My Sides Hurt

The kids are talking at the dinner table and this is the point of the conversation that I pick up on:

Hazel: Jesus and his elves made the world.

Abiah: Jesus doesn't have elves.

Amelia: God made Ho, Ho, Ho and his elves.

Abiah: Santa didn't make anything.

Hazel: Yes! Jesus!

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Jackson climbs up on Abiah's bed and starts singing to him. "Hush little baby. Don't say word. Momm gonna buy you a diamond ring. If that diamond ring turn brass, Momma gonna buy you a Monkey Bird!"


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Hazel is coloring her school work with a marker and begins to hold her nose. I'm leaning close to her so I can see what she is doing. She looks my way and says, "Do you know why I'm doing this?"

"No. Why?"

"Because. I farted."

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Jackson, "Mom, can you make me a swanich?"

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During our morning devotions we read about fear and asking Jesus to help us when we are afraid. After the reading I ask the kids, "Is there anything you are afraid of that you can ask Jesus to help you with?"

Amelia was the first to reply, "Ummmmmm, lions and tigers."

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I was holding Jackson and I burped (thank you, Coke!). Jackson said, "That was burp! I love that burp! It was scusting!"

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During morning devotions we were talking about keeping our eyes on Jesus.

Abiah said he didn't understand how we can keep our eyes on Jesus if we can't see him. I tried to explain that when we are tempted to sin or are scared we can choose to think about Jesus and let him help us. I said, "Keeping our eyes on Jesus means we can keep our heart focused on Jesus."

Abiah: "Oh. I didn't know my heart had eyes."
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Jackson when counting anything: "One, two, free, four, six, seven, eight!"

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Hazel was giving us a geography lesson during dinner one night. "Africa is a place where there's lots of zombies!"

#homeschoolingrocks ;)

Letting Them Love Me

A while back I posted on Facebook something along the lines of "I could really use a break , but I can't think of anyone one I'd rather go with than my kids." It was one of those "strong feelings + Facebook = post that's not exactly what I wanted to get across" situations.

There were quite a few comments of the "Oh! You're so sweet, but mommies need breaks" variety which I totally appreciated, but they left me feeling like I didn't really say what I wanted to. Like I wasn't able to fully put my feelings into words and so I was giving the wrong impression. So people misunderstood.

I don't know. What ever it was, it left me feeling like I needed to hash those feeling out.

I'm with my kids almost 24/7. We do pretty much everything together. And I love it. We are all human and far from perfect, but I love my little family and I love that I get to be with them all the time. But I find myself surprised that they want to be with me.

Though HH knows me better than anyone else, it's my kids who see the nastiest parts of me because they are with me the most. They also challenge me the most. Nothing else in my life has left me feeling so bare and raw like motherhood has. Daily I am faced with my weakness and imperfections. And my kids have a front row seat!

Recently, after almost a solid two weeks at home due to sickness, I was getting ready to leave for a few hours for my niece's birthday party. I was going alone and was looking forward to a little break and a time to revive and refresh. Conversations with adults! Right before I left the younger three kids started crying because I was going to be leaving. "You get to spend the whole evening with your daddy and you don't get to spend very much time with him. This is a treat!"

"But Mom," Amelia said, "We don't get to spend very much time with you either!"

Seriously?!?! While it made me giggle, it brought up the same question in my heart again. They want to be with me? Still?

I know I want to be with them. I adore them. But in the back of my mind I always think they're tired of me or don't want to be around me because I make so many mistakes. I yell too much and don't play games enough. I'm selfish and distracted. I have a hard time letting them help in the kitchen and I am the main rule enforcer. The list is truly endless.

But when I thought about it, most times when I desperately need/want to get away, it's because I'm feeling inadequate and frustrated with myself. But they aren't.And this catches me off guard.

What I'm surprised by is their ability to love me despite my weakness and failings. They love me so unconditionally. And they challenge me to love them back unconditionally. Sometimes it's hard not to take their tantrums and sassing personally, and I assume they would feel the same about my imperfections.

Just so you know, I'm not saying mommas and daddies don't need breaks. I'm just realizing in my own heart, for me, there are many times where the break that I think I need is really me running from my imperfections and my frustrations with myself. But because parenting is what is bringing those personal weaknesses to the forefront, I turn and blame my children.

What I think I meant to say in that original Facebook post is that I want to run towards my kids in my raw and bare moments. I want to accept their unconditional love and I want to return it. I want to embrace my weakness and trust that God will be my strength in those moments. I want my kids to see that. I don't want to be afraid of their love.

Parenting is so very hard and there is nothing that will truly "make you ready" for it. But maybe if we open ourselves to the love and grace our little's have for us it would be just a bit easier?

Dickens said, "It is not a slight thing when those so fresh from God love us." I think he is right. And I think they can teach us how to love better if we let them.

'Til My Sides Hurt: Jackson Funnies

Jackson and Amelia were arguing in their room after I had put them to bed. It was the typical "I'm the boss!" "No! I'm the boss!" argument.

Amelia came down in tears and I took her back upstairs to settle them both down. As I enter the room Jackson has started up at Amelia again. "I da boss!"

I sternly corrected him, "No, Jackson. Mommy is the boss and I told you to go to sleep."

He immediately started crying and said, "No I da boss. Not even Daddy. He a good guy an I a good guy but not even you."

Holding back laughter I ask, "Why am I the bad guy?"

Sister gives Jackson a pony tail.

"Because, you talk loudly to me!"

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When coming out of the dark bedroom into the lit up hallway, Jackson exclaims, "It shinning out here!"


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"Mom, my bed not made. It all crumbly."

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He holds up his fists and says, "Look at my muscles!"

We, of course, tell him how big his muscles are and that he is such a strong boy.

Then, with fists still balled, he says, "I gonna punch you with my muscles."

Apparently he misunderstood what part of his body we were calling muscles, so I have HH show Jackson his bicep. "Jackson, feel this part. That's daddy's muscle."

Jackson, "It's weely squissy."

Doing his "school"

P.S. We also corrected the whole punching thing. That just wasn't the cute part.

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While holding his pinky up for me to see:

"Mom! Look! I have a peekee! I weely peekee pwomise to not spit at her."

"Who aren't you going to spit at?"

"She. Hazo. I weely peekee pwomise to not spit at her."

His brother hung him here.

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"Mom, I need a snissue for my nose."

Chocolate Cake and Ramblings

This post may be a bit silly, but I feel a bit silly. It may be the chocolate cake that I'm about to tell you about. Or it may be that there's been to much serious pondering going on in my head and it needed a break. What ever the reason, here it is.

I've been on an egg free diet for four years this month and yesterday was the first time I thought about searching Pinterest for an eggless chocolate cake. I wish that this was a reflection of the level of my personal discipline, but it is not.

But enough about that. The thing is, I did search Pinterest for an eggless chocolate cake recipe. And I found one! And it's good!

I was looking for a recipe so I could make an egg free desert this weekend for our belated Christmas gathering with HH's family. When I found the recipe I was so excited about it's potential that, even though it was only and hour-and-a-half before the kid's bed-time, I bribed them with cake for breakfast if they would hurry into their jammies and sit down to let Netflix babysit them so I could make the cake. They were so excited. And unusually cooperative. When I served them their breakfast of chocolate cake this morning I encouraged (or made) them to sing, "Mommy's great! She gives us chocolate cake!"

Oddly enough, after eating the cake they all asked for eggs claiming they just needed some protein to go with their breakfast. My children are strange. And healthier than I am. Apparently I'm doing a good job at training them though!

This is the recipe.

(Note: I didn't try her frosting recipe. But the cake is good. Also, 180 degrees Celsius means 350 degrees Fahrenheit.)

I'm sure that part of my obsession with this cake is that fact that I have not had any chocolate cake in four years. But, growing up with a mom for a baker gives me (in my mind) a pretty good background in cake testing. Not that I'm bragging or anything, but I'm pretty much a professional. Except that I don't get paid. Wouldn't it be lovely to get paid to taste test cakes?!

Other things I loved about that cake: it was very moist and the texture was a lovely combination of dense and fluffy. It was denffy? Flunse?

But I really think my most favorite part of the cake it that it is supposedly an old recipe from war times when food was rationed. Thus, the egglessness. Chocolate cake and nostalgia all rolled up into one perfect package.

It may have had more of a nostalgic impact on me since I enjoyed my first piece whilst watching the first episode of the new seasons of Downton Abbey. It just felt right. I loved the episode, too. Although there were many memorable lines, my favorite was from Lady Grantham to Lord Grantham, "When you talk like that, I'm tempted to call nanny, and have you put to bed with no supper." She really makes the show.

The only downside of watching the premiere was getting to bed an hour later than I planned and needed to. I was a bit tired this morning and maybe a wee sluggish through out the day. But that may also have been from the chocolate cake I had for breakfast. 

A Recap of My 2013

I realize that this post is really more for me than anything, but I pushed the publish button just in case someone may be crazy enough to read it through and, if they were, I hope they were encouraged.

I read this post by Dave Ramsey this last week and showed it to HH because we had been discussing the "Why" of list making and setting goals. I love to. HH hates to. After he read it he turned to me and, with a laugh, said, "So basically, you should be rich and I should be poor?"

That wasn't exactly the point I was trying to get across, but whatever. I love to make lists and only recently have realized that making lists is like setting goals. For a few years I hated the idea of New Year's resolutions. They made me feel like a failure. In advance.

A few years ago, though, I changed my perspective and now, instead of seeing the list of things I failed to accomplish, I purpose to look at all I did accomplish that I probably wouldn't have without goals.

If you look at the list I wrote for last year I wouldn't blame you for assuming that I came up way short of my goal. But there is this part preceding the actual list. The part where I spilled my heart for the year on the page. When I read that today, after I had already written down my goals for 2014, I knew. I had reached my goals for 2013.

"Tomorrow is the start of a new year. In a way I look forward to the next 12 months. So much potential awaits in the white space that makes up 2013. But I'm also afraid that it will be another year that I disappoint myself. A year that I'll waste the white space and fail in so many other ways. It is disappointing to get to the end of another year and realize that my goals for the next year are no different than the previous because I failed to meet any of my goals. It's not that I haven't grown or changed. I can acknowledge that much. But I want more. I want to grow and succeed. I want this to be the last year that my weight is part of my yearly goal. I want to know more deeply who I am as defined by Christ. I don't need a different mission or an outlet. I want to be who I was created to be right where I am at. I love my husband and my kids. I love living for them. I want to be more settled into me as a wife and mom. I want to be a better friend and teacher to my kids. But I know I'll only find that in knowing who I am in Christ."

After this I wrote my goals.

My first written goal was to read through the Bible. I'm so proud of myself. I got half way through my reading plan. I've never read that much of the Bible in one year.

My second written goal was to FINALLY lose the weight I've been struggling with for too many years to count. I listed the actual numbers, something I won't do here. :) And if you looked at those numbers and then at my scale while I'm standing on it and saw that I only lost 10 pounds this last year, you'd probably raise an eye brow and tell me I have a pretty face. ;) But the true weight I lost was a weight in my heart. And I honestly can say I met my goal.

It's not that I needed for me to lose an allotted amount of weight last year. What I wanted was to find freedom from using food as a drug. I wanted to look into my heart and my past and take care of the wounds, release the bitterness, and forgive the offenses that I was holding onto and replaying over and over when I was down. All of those things always left me feeling a need to medicate or numb myself. It was more than I could take. And so I would eat. Some people drink. Some people smoke. Some use drugs. I ate.

It's not that I don't plan to loose any more weight. It's just that it's not just about the weight anymore. And I still struggle, but not like I used too. This last year I learned how to fight. I was encouraged by this quote from Joyce Meyers, "You are not fighting for victory. You are fighting FROM victory." My view has changed.

I wish I would have had the freedom to journey through it here with you all so maybe it wouldn't seem so random of me to say it now, but I just couldn't. Somethings are too personal and somethings are just hard for me to put into words. I will say I read/worked through the Lose It For Life book and journal and it was one of the main tools this year that helped me find freedom.

My other written goal for 2013 was to save a certain amount of money. That so didn't happen. But again, even though this year has been hard, I'm happy and excited about where HH and I are financially. Not because we have tons of money, but because it feels like we are finally working towards the same goal. (We wrote out a budget for January and are trying to stick to it like glue. Shhhhhh! Don't tell HH that we really made a list and goals! He may be tempted to burn it just for the sake of being right!)

As for the other desires I wrote down, even though I feel like I am failing in so many areas multiple times a day as a wife and mom, I am so proud of how far I have come. Maybe some of the change has come from realizing that every day doesn't have to look the same for us to be productive (list making/efficiency addict finds freedom!).

I know that a big change happened when I realized that I love my life. That may sound strange, but I think I was afraid of admitting that I love to homeschool and spend most of my time with my kids. I felt like I was supposed to want more. Not that I don't ever need a break, but I truly love what I do. I don't homeschool and stay at home with my kids out of fear or because it's easy or because my husband makes me (which is what I used to think :)) or even out of conviction. I do it because I want to. Because I love it. This is what I always wanted to do, and I am so glad I get to do what I love.

I just read this quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald and I think it really sums up what I accomplished in 2013:

"For what it's worth; it's never too late to be whoever you want to be. 

I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, 

I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

I feel like I reach my ultimate goal of 2013. Knowing more deeply who I am in Christ. And really, that's the main purpose behind my goals for 2014.